Parents can Help Children Become Pressure-Resistant

WE usually think of peer pressure as an adolescent issue, but its effects are showing up in younger children. Physical and societal changes mean children are growing up faster than they did 30 years ago. Young people today may also have fewer caring adults in their lives. In earlier generations, extended families and tight neighbourhoods meant children had more grown-ups to turn to. If there was something you weren't comfortable talking about with your mother or father, you might discuss it with a relative or neighbour. These are just some of the reasons that it is harder for children to be peer pressure-resistant.

Pressure-resistance starts with understanding peer pressure. Peer pressure is not inherently negative. The desire to be accepted by a group is a driving force in all humans. Positive peer pressure encourages children to participate in scouting, sports, band, or church groups.

Of course, children also have to face negative peer pressure. The teen years present perhaps the greatest risk. Adolescence is a time of challenging family rules and values. While these actions are part of the normal journey toward independence, they also can result in experimentation with dangerous behaviours. The need to be accepted by friends can make it hard for children of any age to say "no".

Despite the power of the peer, parents don't have to sit back helplessly. One obvious action is to get to know your children’s friends. Here are seven additional suggestions you can try to help your children become pressure-resistant. Don't wait to do these things in your family. Start early and stick with it.

Show your love: Take loving action every day. Children are more likely to handle negative pressure when they feel secure, accepted, and loved. Help children identify and use personal strengths. Show sincere interest in their activities, ideas, and feelings.

Discuss family values: Talk about right and wrong. Practise asking: "What if" as a means of exploring common solutions. "How does this fit in with what we believe in our family?" Practise simple sentences. ("No, ‘everyone’ doesn't do it - I don't!") It even works to use parents as the "bad guys". ("Boy, I'd like to go with you, but my mom would have a cow!") Emphasise that brave and independent people stand up for their beliefs.

Listen and work to understand: Talk less and listen more. Ask open-ended questions, and then let your child move at his or her own pace. Listen closely for the unspoken message under the words. ("Sounds like you're stressed out. You seem lonely today.") Anger is almost always a surface emotion that often covers a much more difficult feeling, such as sadness, fear, guilt, or worry.

Encourage and support decision-making: Children don't automatically know how to make good decisions. They learn by being given thousands of opportunities as they grow. Teach your child decision-making steps, then come up with alternative answers. ("What are the three things you could do in that situation?") Think through the pros and cons, and then choose the right alternative. Give a pat on the back when decisions turn out well. When they are less successful, ask: "What did you learn from this?" and "What could you do differently the next time?"

Choose your battles: Decide which issues are most important. If you try to control every aspect of your child's life, you will endure endless power struggles. Rather than worrying about music, hair, and dress, focus on the "Big Four" ? the four most dangerous activities for teens: unsafe driving, drug/alcohol use, cigarette smoking and sexual activity.

Be an effective consultant: Know the facts, especially about the "Big Four". If you don't know something, admit it and find the answers with your teen. Get accurate information from community groups. Search the Internet for informational sites run by reputable organizations. (Note: The Human Service and Support directory on the Parents' Source website - www.parentssource.com -- lists hundreds of related organizations.)

Set an example: The best way to pass on your family values is to live them every day. Be a positive role model for your family.

Finally, if you're concerned about peer pressure, talk with someone. Parenting is the most difficult and important job in the world. There is no need to fly solo. Talk with other parents and share ideas. For serious problems, consider professional help. Get referrals from friends, neighbours, your spiritual advisor or doctor.